Coming to Terms with Death

Intro

All of us are aware of death: we have been told it’s inevitable, that some terrible thing is about to happen to us all, and that if we’re lucky enough to live long enough to witness it, that terrible thing will be the end of our lives.

Death is something that we all consider from time to time. And yet, even when we do, it’s not always easy or straightforward to talk about it. We may feel nervous and apprehensive at the thought of dying. We may feel frightened by what might happen after death and what our afterlife might be like …

We know that scientists have begun to look into these things (including Heaven, Hell and other afterlife possibilities), but they are still very much in the early stages of research. The fact is that there isn’t any reliable scientific evidence for beliefs in any afterlife – ever. It is only possible because people have believed in them for so long and because they are a part of our culture-wide outlook on life itself (which includes ideas about heaven and hell).

But you don’t need experts in science or religion to tell you that everyone has a real stake in coming to terms with this reality. The truth is that death can happen at any moment; however, most people don’t believe it will happen to them unless they are very old or very sick. But regardless of whether you believe in an afterlife or not, the truth is that there’s no reason why you shouldn’t make peace with this possibility now – because if you don’t come to grips with death now, you’ll lose crucial time when your mortality may become an issue.

 Making the most of life

This is a very personal piece, and I’m sure you will have your own thoughts on the subject. It’s also one that will likely resonate with a lot of people.

As a writer, I often find myself playing the role of “advocate” in discussions around death. Sometimes it’s to help others make sense of their grief, sometimes as a vehicle for my own reflection.

I know many people who seem to think that death — or at least their own impending death — is something to be feared or avoided. They might say things like:

“Death is nothing but an excuse for escaping reality!”

“The idea that we’re going to die is complete nonsense!”

“If you don’t believe in God, then you can’t believe in death!”

It may not be entirely fair to dismiss these views as mere “prejudices” or “thinking.” In fact, there are some even more interesting thoughts about death out there (and I’ve seen some of these as well). For example:

“The feeling of imminent death may be linked with feelings of depression.” – David Cooper.

This seems to me an interesting way to approach this question from a psychological perspective. I’ll spend more time on this topic below eventually; but for the time being, let us just remark that “depressed users” are a subset of all users who believe they are being dragged into oblivion by it — a point that echoes John Fiske’s classic work on the topic (which also merits some further reading on the topic). He concludes: “We must conclude that people who feel themselves to be falling into depression are in fact depressed”. This says something important about how we view our own mortality: We tend to see it as something evil and unwanted, but those who do not see it in the same light do not perceive it as threatening (and often use it as an excuse not to face up to reality). So, when someone argues, “death is nothing but an excuse to avoid reality,” we must ask ourselves why they believe so. What is the relationship between their definition and reality? And what kind of escape does that leave behind? Or, to put it another way, what happens when you confront mortality? Is there anything more terrifying than facing your own inevitable demise? What happens when you realize there is nothing more scary than confronting your impending demise? The fact is that death might occur at any point during our lives.

Accepting your mortality

This is a searing truth that can be daunting to accept. It’s not easy to get over the idea of death and even less so if you live alone, since the knowledge of someone’s death can be a profound and terrifying experience for you. But for most people, accepting that death is inevitable is about as close as you’ll get to living your life without fear.

Accepting your mortality will require you to face your fears head on, and let go of expectations or hopes that make it much more difficult to face them.

In his book The Happiness Hypothesis , Dan Gilbert explores what makes us happy and what makes us unhappy . He argues that happiness boils down to two things: liking yourself and disliking yourself . If we enjoy ourselves, we’re happy; if we dislike ourselves, we’re unhappy. But he also states that these are not opposites: it’s possible for people who like themselves very much — like themselves in a positive way —to also dislike themselves when they look in the mirror each morning. In other words, there isn’t a single kind of happiness – only variations on the theme of being healthy (like having enough money), being sane (like being able to function in an everyday environment with some freedom) or just feeling good in general.

The most important point here is recognising these variations on the theme of happiness. When you hear someone say “I’m happy,” it doesn’t mean they’re describing the same thing as you are! A little different from everyone else? That means you have something unique going for you (better clothes? Awesome friends? Good job?). And if there isn’t anything unique about you, then what’s so special about being happy?

What Gilbert needs to realise is that he’s not describing something completely different from himself; rather he’s describing a variation on a theme. You may have found something different in life than anyone else does; but don’t mistake this for uniqueness – it doesn’t mean anything special about what happens to you today or even tomorrow. If anything, it may be some variation on something else – e.g., finding health-related happiness through exercise (just like any other healthy activity).

So living your life without fear requires acceptance of this variation on “happiness”. Accepting mortality might feel uncomfortable at first; but once you get used to it, it becomes almost natural – as though it were simply part of the way things are supposed to be done around here!

Conclusion

There are three things the modern world is best at: creating, consuming and killing. The last one is not a new concept. It was recorded by the ancient Greeks and Roman writers, and it continues to be a source of intense debate today.